Well this has been an interesting season

I don’t know about you, but this has definitely been one of the most interesting seasons of life. As I’m getting ready to begin regularly writing posts, this left-field pandemic comes along and completely derails everything. But I take comfort in the fact that I am most definitely not alone in this thought. We’ve all had a huge, monumental disruption these last several months. At first I thought, “It’s perfectly fine, now I’ll have plenty of time to read, pray, write, etc.” Well, boy was I wrong. Apparently it takes twice as much time and energy to do full time ministry, be a full time mommy/wife, and do full time homeschool during a pandemic! Ha! Who knew.

With all of that said, I have felt super convicted in how I haven’t been sharing my journey the way the Lord initial told me.

This time last year, I was wrapping up my recovery from an outpatient surgery. In April, a few months before, I had suddenly began having extreme pain in my left lower abdomen and left thigh during each monthly cycle. It began pretty mild but would double in pain each month so that by June I thought I was ready to die. We had no idea what it could be, only that it was related to my monthly cycles. So we made an appointment and immediately went to my doctor, who then sent me for a list of sonograms. She, personally, called me the very next day to explain that I had several growths called endometriomas. Basically, they are blood-filled cysts. I had a couple of smaller ones on my right side, but what was causing the excruciating, debilitating pain was the grapefruit sized and baseball sized ones on my left side. She put me in her surgery list for the next week.

What was supposed to be a quick, 30 minute surgery became a full hour. She told my husband that once she got in there to scope it out, she found stage 4 endometriosis everywhere. My entire abdomen was full. She was able to remove all of the endometriomas and clear me up as best as she could but it was just too extensive and yes, all of this is/was the reason for my secondary infertility. From last summer through January, I was on a small medication regimen to finish the repairing process which also included putting my body into menopause for a few months. In January I was doing so much better, even my doctor was amazed at my progress. In February, Anthony and I both felt strongly from God that I should come off all treatments and medications and try for another child again. At first, we felt we really needed to pray to be sure and immediately received confirmation. The last 5 months have been emotionally and mentally exhausting, however, I have never felt closer to the Lord. I have been drawing nearer and nearer and He has been ever so close.

I don’t say all this to put out there a medical treatment or regimen for endo problems. I’m setting the context of where the Lord put me. While I was recovering the Lord spoke to me. He said he wanted to take me on a journey, a journey of obedience and faithfulness.

“Heather, if I took away the one thing you’ve been praying and yearning for the most these last 5 years, would you still love and serve me?”

Do I serve God because of the wonderful things He can and does bring into my life? Because of the amazing things He speaks? Because of rewards or pedestals to be placed upon? Or do I love and serve Him because He is sovereign, righteous, and holy…no matter what my life may look like or what my personal feelings may be? A good servant doesn’t tell their master, “I’m sorry sir, that doesn’t like fun. I don’t think I want to do that.” Or something else like, “Oh, I’m not sure you understand what you’re asking of me. Let me first tell you what obeying that request will do to my heart or life.” A good servant is actively waiting and listening for the voice of their master simply because he is their master. But the desire to eagerly obey comes from the heart. I want to do the things the Lord asks of me because I love Him and I know and trust that He also loves me…much more than I could ever comprehend.

So when that master says to me, “I would like to take away the biggest desire of your heart – I would like for you to be happy with the idea that Madeline will be your only child,” I HAD to bow the knee and say, “Yes sir” because deep down, despite the pain of the moment, I still knew His promises in my heart:

Jeremiah 29:11 “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'”

Isaiah 26:3 “You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in You.”

Job “Though He slay me, yet I will trust Him.”

Deut 3:18 “The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Psalm 37:23-24 “The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him; though he may stumble, he will not fail, for the Lord upholds him with His hand.”

1 Peter 2:24 “‘He himself bore our sins’ in His body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by His wounds you have been healed.'”

James 1:2-3 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trails of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”

Along with many, many others.

The biggest point that came to my mind was the part of the story of the 3 Hebrew children in Daniel 3, in the confrontation with the king, they responded to him:

“Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, ‘O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.'”

The key is “But even if He does not…” Even if God never heals me, that is His choice and His will. He is the Lord of my life, not me. He is still worthy of all of my praises, all of my worship, all of the honor, all the obedience, and all of the joy in my heart. And it is my immense joy to serve such a truly awesome God.